Well, one reason is because the trip was so incredible that it took me over a week to transition back to my life. I also got sick and pretty much stayed away from the computer for an entire week. Then it took me some weeks to integrate everything that I experienced. As the wheels started to churn, I was moving forward before wrapping up with writing down my reflections. I have about three different posts written in my head; two rough drafts written even, but then as my life goes, the time passed by and the moments were lost.
But something else also started happening about two weeks ago; between being sick, mothering sick children and hurting my back: I was having anxiety dreams. The reality of me moving forward with my business was settling in: and the truth behind me not writing this final blog post is
I was afraid.
I have made some big changes and took a big step and so NOW I was coming face to face with my fear. If I didn’t write my final blog post it would make it easier for me to put off the internal dialogue that was now manifesting in my dreams at night.
Enter Project Pelvicway!
Before I was woken up by my two year old covered in diarrhea in the wee hours of the morning, I was backstage at New York Fashion Week on Project Runway. Project Runway is a tv reality show where designers are given creative fashion challenges to execute in a limited amount of time, then judged, and eliminated until the top 3 go to New York Fashion Week to compete for a prize package of over a half a million dollars. Part of the money goes towards them starting their own line, and basically giving them an opportunity to make a go at it in the fashion world.
So..um..yea, this dream was a doozy in terms of performance anxiety and paralyzing fear as far as my career goes!
I was going to be judged and my family was with me as I was getting my final project together. Only thing is, I was scurrying around but not getting anything done. I couldn’t follow through on any thoughts or actions. On top of that, my daughter was wearing one of my designs and my mother had resewn it! My husband was coaching me for what I was going to say and it had nothing to do with my concept. A friend of mine came up to me with a pelvic model and asked me, “So how exactly is the female pelvis tilted, it’s important for all of the women to know..” I had to show her as if I was an expert, though it felt like I was looking at the pelvis for the first time. Other people backstage were wondering what my ranking was and pointed out what the reporters were writing about me. I felt like I was about to fall flat on my face, or sit bone..I had no idea how things were going to turn out and Tim Gunn was nowhere to be found with his encouraging “Make it work” speech.
As I was changing the sheets in my child’s room, holding my nose and coming up with a name for the “this is the not so-glamorous reality of being a mother” show, I realized that it made total sense why I had that dream. And I remembered the quote from artist Nell Blaine that I had made into a letter-pressed bookmark over ten years ago.
“I have the firm belief that the only things that are worth doing are those that are a little scary.”
This fear is worth it. I am committed to my path of combining art with energy work to help empower women, celebrating their awesome creative powers through pelvic bowl awareness. I know there is no turning back. Rollo May in The Courage to Create says that “The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt, but in spite of doubt.”
In the six weeks since I have returned I have done one energy portrait, one belly bowl, confirmed two classes at two different venues and started a tester Wild Feminine art class from my home studio. I feel the commitment so strongly to incorporating Holistic Pelvic EnergyTM into my work and I truly am excited for the three classes I will be teaching to women in the new year. I have also started a daily distance reiki practice that is helping inform my work.
I want to thank all of the supporters of the Power to the Mother: Drawing It Out fund for helping make my professional training trip to Portland possible. I also want to thank my dream, Project Pelvicway for reminding me that it is important to move forward in spite of my fear, and not be stopped because of it!