“Who are you when you are dancing in the dark?”
At this point I was in the throes of first-time motherhood and while I had the support of many other new moms on my block, something drew me back to dance in order to reconnect to the outside world and ultimately bring me back to myself. I was happy to be the only mother in the group of women who gathered that weekend in January 2008. Actually, I was ecstatic to be in a group of women and for the first time not be wearing a nursing bra or carrying a diaper bag!
On the first day, among other exercises, we sat in a circle and talked to each other as if we were really old ladies. We reflected on our pasts and talked about our real and imagined regrets, our bodily aches and pains, as well as the things we were proud of having lived through.
On the second day we each did a dance, in front of everybody else, a dance specific to our present life.
Isis picked out the music.
I was back in the womb. This time I was the baby, feeling what it was like to be born..with whatever movements came to me. I could hear the thumping of a fetal heartbeat and the swishing sounds of fluids. As I started on the floor, curled tightly into myself, my body waited. How was I going to do this?
At first I didn’t move.
But I did it.
I began to move to the heartbeat.
I was at a crossroads, having lost a sense of who I was from giving myself so completely to my child. Call it “mommy identity crisis” if you will. Coming out of that place was like being in an uncharted sea of doubt and fear. I needed to grow..
up and out..
By the end of the weekend I started to get it. It was only just dawning on me (yea, I think I was the last one to figure this out) that Isis wasn’t just giving us exercises and dance prompts. She was helping us access who we wanted to be when we actually were old ladies, being able to reflect back on an amazing, actualized, fully embodied self. I also started to understand that Isis was using her intuition and deep energy-sensing skills to help us access the same intuitive and creative powers in ourselves, so we could follow our own guidance on the road to healing and empowerment, and reveal our own special gifts along the way.
Feeling more like an outsider, or a “newbie” to all this energy stuff (and to be completely honest kind of freaked out by it) when we had our wrap-up and I found out that all of the other women were going to be taking Isis’ year long circle called Waking the Seed, I was thinking you guys are able to tap into your own intuitive selves and are special, but no, no...that’s not me...
Suffice it to say, a lot of things got stirred up for me in that weekend. Now I know that getting closer to our intuition and creative capabilities is not a linear process, rather a continuum with cycles of beginnings and endings, of holding on and letting go. Whenever we get lost or side tracked, we can always return to the womb, to our center. There’s something inside of us, when we are babies, that knows how to be born. And as women, our bodies know how to give birth even if we have never done it before.
So yea, something inside of me was ready to come out into the world. Something inside of me knew. Even though I had no idea what was in store for me next, a few weeks later, I signed up.